Love Pages – Love Making Advice

There was a revealing scene in some recent movie, where a man is asking his friend what women want. And she is opening an utmost secrecy, which shouldn’t be divulged. Bending down, she confesses him in a whisper – “We ourselves have no idea what we want!” 

It’s not an absolute truth of course. Women quite realize what they want. If to ask questions correctly, then it isn’t difficult to derive the set of needs and desires, which a woman would want to make to a man.

However, there is some joke behind every joke. Women’s desires are not transparent and obvious, behind them deeper and difficult motivation hides, which a few women realize.

The article is for women and is written for ones. However, I realize that it will interest men too, and will cause rejection among women. Well, I’m powerless in this situation. However, all the same, women, I hope there will be your interest and soberness of your perception.

A general case of a woman with a disbalanced self-appraisal is described in the article, and the terms “pride” and “«worthlessness»” don’t have emotional coloring.

So, if to grasp the whole list of women’s “I want”, it’s easy to notice their paradox. A woman wants her man to have the both psychological types “husband” and “lover”, but that isn’t possible.A man can’t satisfy the whole list of woman’s needs. In the best case – only the half of them.

But neither men nor women realize that. Every woman is searching for a prince, who will be the embodiment of the streaks and characteristics, which she needs in. And men, not understanding happening, challenge themselves to please a woman or riot against the demand to change. However, the result is the same – the relationship which began as a fairy tale and a gift of destiny turns out ruined.

A woman doesn’t understand her own discrepancy and can’t give up her desires. She, rather, will accuse her man of he loves her insufficiently. But even if a man indulges her desires,  that doesn’t suit her. A woman doesn’t need a subordinated man, and then a new stage of accusations begins – accusations of weakness. And it will be in this way until a relationship is wrecked.

The subject of discrepancy of woman’s personality is worthy the books which are written about. Secret of woman’s soul – is an eternal issue for the both a man and a woman. Let’s try to form an understanding of what happens here.

The reason of women’s needs

Over a period of many centuries, marriage for a woman was a quite pragmatic step. Giving herself to a man, a woman passed responsibility for her survival and prosperity onto a man. It was believed as a norm and was cultivated from generation to generation.

Parents themselves searched for daughters for a successful, from their point of view, match. Cause a son could stand on his own two feet and provide for parents’ old age, however daughters couldn’t.

In social life a woman a long time had just secondary importance. Therefore, parents tried to marry a daughter off with maximum profit. In this way, they removed carrying about her from their shoulders, and they were lucky, used her woman’s attraction, as a chance to become related to richer and more influential family.

From woman’s point of view, there wasn’t something humiliating in this situation. Marriage was a deal, which a woman got financial and social rewards in exchange for the right having her in. Love, respect and attachment could take part in it, but weren’t a binding attribute.

However, with an arrival of new times, when a relationship between a man and a woman became to base on the principle of mutual pleasure, and a woman found and established the right to her social independence, institution turned in an interesting situation.

Love became a criterion of choosing a partner – it’s a range of emotional feelings, which is above any intelligent arguments nowadays. And although nobody properly realizes what love is, everybody attaches such great importance to love, that relationship without love seems as something unthinkable. Marriage of convenience, which always was a normal and natural phenomenon, nowadays is condemned as mercantile and unfeeling.

Men and women play at “relationship” and believe, that love is the main reason for marriage. And men are more sincere in their delusions, cause under the mask of ingenuousness in woman’s  subconscious the ancient motif sounds – “A man is a tool for solving all problems”.

The thought may be conscious or oppressed, but, in any case, a woman considers her quite natural – “Why is a man needed else?”

Ancient marriage of convenience was a more honest step, than today’s love-matches, which hide advantages under a screen of emotional attachment. “Honey, do you love me? Great, then you are indebted to me…” – this is an inner essence of today’s marriage from a woman’s position.

Lots of factors take part in formation of such a point of view, but, mainly, it’s an issue of upbringing. From a mother to a daughter, from generation to generation that principle of using a man in is passed to every woman.

Though, not everything depends on parents, cause the power of social pressure is great enough, in order to infect forming psyche by the virus of woman’s self-importance.

Series, reality shows, “authoritative” glossy magazines and other means of social advice from childhood teach girls how to attract a man, how to endear themselves to men, how to use them then. Flirting is a martial art of women, which is included in the program of woman’s upbringing.

Besides, the destructive thought is taken root to every girl in order she wouldn’t dodge to support the universal “conspiracy” that inability to attract and to marry a man is the sign of her malignity. In total woman’s self-appraisal completely depends on her attraction for men. Pay attention to it, it’s extremely important.

Here, we gradually turn into the plane of psychological needs of a woman, and responsibility for realization those need a woman passes onto a man. Now, on top of everything else, he has to behave in such a way her to stop feeling her inferiority. And if he doesn’t, it is his fault.

This is the stumbling block which ruins the majority of families. A woman tries to get out of the state of inner tension at the expense of a man. But as he can’t play the both paradoxical roles, a woman, sonner or later, feels, that a man gives something short.

She does not quite understand, what she wants, but that doesn’t prevent her from accusing a man in malignity and demands solving of the well-known issue “to put a quart into a pint pot”. I mean she doesn’t realize what she wants.

However, meanwhile, a woman is responsible for creating this issue, and it’s solving is her task. A man can, in the best case, help to realize happening. 

Woman’s pendulum of pride and «worthlessness»

Self-appraisal of men and women is similar. They have two poles which require to be strengthened. Pride is strengthened by active interaction with people – in comparison themselves with other people, in coming to power, winning over rivals. And «worthlessness» or sympathy for yourself lives on inner feelings, via mutual emotional support and self-comforting.

Every person wants victories in a social area and absolute accepting in soul area. And the difference between men and woman is just what tools they use for reaching psychological calm.

Men are more self-sufficient – they entirely can deal with an inner conflict by themselves – for example, via career, hobbies or male friendship. A woman, on the other hand, is in dependence – in order to deal with inner psychological anxiety, she needs relationships with men. Without men a woman can’t overcome the inferiority complex.

Probable, such a woman’s dependence is not congenital, and relate to result of social conditionality.

Until a woman follows the conditionality, she’ll play the game with men in two opposite direction, which create the outward effect of paradox and incomprehensibility her desires. 

Woman’s pride

This side of the game forces a woman to choose such a man, who gives her a certain status. A man should be a winner, leader, typical “lover”. When a woman has attracted such a man, she gets confirmation of her own significance and calms down for a while.

The main means for attraction “cool” men is sexiness. A woman challenges men, offering to join battle for her favour, and then pacifically surrenders to the winner. But even then she continues checking a man, provoking him into manifestation of power. If a man is stronger, the checking is gone through, if not – it’s time to search for a new man.

There is another side here. At the same time as she wants to be with a strong man and to be defeated, she herself wants to win him. Chosen the coolest among men and achieved his attention, a woman, soon, begins subjugating him.

In fact, a woman strives to capture a man completely and single-handed – his attention, his time, his deeds, his desires, his soul. From here many family conflicts happen, when a wife requires a husband to abandon his friend for her sake, to be promoted for the sake of her desires, share her points of view, accept her inner world and so on.

If a man will refuse to obey, a woman will feel that she isn’t loved and valued enough, will fall into the feeling of sympathy for herself and will begin searching for the man, who’ll accept her and love her. If a man will obey her will, a woman will feel herself stronger than he is, and then lose the support for her pride. And now it’s necessary to search for a cool man, who will indulge her self-esteem with his attention.

In the both cases, the problem of pride is resolved for a while, when a woman has the hope that she will manage to change a man, or until she will be in front of the fact, that the changed and defeated man doesn’t attract her any more.

But even during the short break, a woman isn’t happy, cause satisfaction of pride – only one from poles of woman’s pendulum of self-appraisal. 

 

Woman’s «worthlessness»

The second pole of the pendulum forces a woman to search relationship of different type. Here her priorities are soul virtues of a chosen one – ability to empathize, constancy, faithfulness, care, predictability and so on. The important duty is pinned on such a man – to love a woman.

There is passion, delight, playfulness in relationship with a “lover”, and it’s enough for a while, in order to believe in mutual love. However, intensity and fervor of the emotions mean that they burn themselves out as fast as they arise. There is no eternal love, which every woman dreams about.

A man – “lover” creates a feeling of woman’s significance and helps her to feel her sex appeal, but he can’t penetrate into her soul and ease inner anxiety. Btw, he is not interesting in woman’s feelings, cause he is concentrated on himself.

Therefore, after playing for a long time with “cool” guys a woman sooner or later begins paying attention to another man’s type – the men, who are ready to immerse in her inner world, understand her, accept and love.

A “lover” says a woman – “You’re wonderful!” A “husband” says – “You’re nice!”

On a «worthlessness» pole a woman wants to get from a man exactly such a feeling, when she has lots of faults, makes mistakes, however she is nice and beloved for the man. Getting such a recognition from a man, a woman can rest for a while and reconcile herself.

When someone says that every woman wants to be beloved and to love, he says about such an infantile and romantic relationship. Beautiful courting, knightly behavior, serenades, passionate declarations about love – that everything gives a woman the feeling of inner peace – “I’m loved, I’m nice then”.

Besides, relationship with a man “husband” gives the opportunity to “fortify a rear”, to feel safety and to begin “building a nest”. Predictability and subordination of a man (“I’ll do everything for your love”) gives a woman the feeling of stability and safety.  The man becomes the quiet harbor where a woman returns to lick the wounds after a clash with the outside world.

That is exactly how women imagine themselves an ideal husband. He must love a woman, take care of her, carry out her whims, feel sorry for her and calm down her, and to be at her disposal absolutely. However, as in the case with a pole of pride, there is another  side here.

At first, getting from the man all sort of signs of love, a woman stays unsatisfied. At first, it seems to her, that she has found herself in Fairy Tale, but soon, the man’s selfless being in love and readiness to hang on her every word, at a snail’s pace begins agitating her. Relationship of a man and a woman turns into relations between mother and a child.

A man completely loses his independence and obeys a woman. As a result, he loses authority in woman’s eyes, and that means, his opinion can’t be taken on trust. Now his words “You’re nice” lose a magic power and don’t give the past peace. A woman is robbed of the emotional support, which she began the relationship with the man for the sake of.

Secondly, the relationship with “husband” requiring mutual faithfulness and eternal love, robs the woman a moral right to indulge her pride with other men. And that means, the pole of pride turns out unprotected and doesn’t give the woman to calm down completely. She places the blame on the man completely in that.

A woman loses any respect to her partner, patronizes him, accuses him of lost years of her life, demands from him power and responsibility, but thus only aggravates the situation. A man loses any free will, and a woman ends up with nothing – the both poles of her maimed self-appraisal rip her soul mercilessly.   

Reconciliation of the poles

So, you, possibly, understood, that a woman needs a simultaneous protect of the both poles of self-appraisal. The best case is when a man combines in himself the both psychological types “lover” and “husband”. But, in practice, it isn’t possible. A man, as a woman too, is strictly locked up in limits of the game, which a social upbringing reduced him in.

Therefore, a woman has two choices – to submit with her misfortune or to look for some substitute variants. The harsher her moral upbringing was, the higher the probability is that she’ll choose misfortune. On the other hand, women having a great psychological flexibility, find  ways out from the issue through relationship with many men.

It may be the easiest variant – “husband” at home and “lover” somewhere – or more ambiguous variants. Generally speaking, there is no need for a woman to have a sexual relationship with a man, in order to indulge her pride. It’s enough for her if an authoritative man values her high.

For example, a boss often plays a role of pseudo-“lover”. A woman can parades in front of him her professional skills and knowledge or openly to flirt with him, not keeping his hands to himself. In the both cases, the woman gets the necessary man’s recognition.

Another entertaining example is a relationship of a woman with her psychologist. A man in such cases is wittingly endowed with enormous authority, and therefore, his opinion has a special importance for a woman. The issue of sexual relationship between a psychologist and a woman is exactly based on the principle – a woman wants to win an authoritative man and she intentionally provokes him with her flirting.

Besides, it’s necessary to understand that a woman can include in her game a great number of men. It’s most likely a role of “husband” will be performed by one man, but then there may be a few “lovers”. The first will confirm her woman’s attraction, the second will value her professional skills, the third will be delighted with her wit and so on. And that may be settled without sex.

Actually, it comes in this way – to get a little is simpler, than to find one lover, who’ll give everything at once. Besides, such a way relieves a woman of moral torments because of her adultery. Every isolated man in her list doesn’t manage with the role of a valuable lover, and that means a real adultery doesn’t happen. There is just a serene flirtation.

There is one more important point in this situation. Thoroughly distributing roles in her male retinue, a woman achieves a high extent of inner calm, but still stays not quite happy. She has to reconcile the first pole with the second pole for complete satisfaction, cause only in this way she can achieve an inner integrity and get rid of the last moral torments.

She tries to make friends out of all her men and definitely rests only when she succeeded in that. When there is surely no conflict between her “husband” and her “lover”, she is in a sweet state – there is no need to rush from the first pole to the second. She has everything at the same time. 

Way out from the coterie

Although a woman can set to zero her inner conflict through relationships with men, it’s necessary to realize that it’s just “crutch”, very high-quality but all the same it’s a crutch. Ugly prop, showing maimed woman’s soul for everybody.

A woman extremely seldom succeeded in stabilizing her life situation and in selecting such a set of men, which will give her total peace. But even if she succeeded in it, the situation can’t be considered stable, seeing her psychological state is in dependence on men. If one from the men disappears her fairy-tale world collapses.

Even after a woman has calmed down her inner conflict, she is in constant fear, cause the happiness can ends in any moment. Therefore, we can say, a woman is doomed to suffering, until she gives up the games in pride and worthness.

Dropping out the game is an extremely painful process. Cause the main way of survival for a woman is put in a vulnerable position. I mean relationship with a man. Besides it’s necessary to remember about the social pressure, which a woman will have to overcome, in order to change her models of behavior. Relatives, friends, husbands and lovers – everybody will insist on continuation of the game.

Describing actual steps of overcoming inner conflict and changing of attitude to a man exceeds the limits of the article. Besides, it’s a strictly individual thing so I can’t give the love making advice.

So, there is nothing for me but to wish you to be honest with yourselves and with people whom you value. The only way to happiness is overcoming the inner conflicts, but not searching such circumstances, which will help you to forget about it.